In a move that shocked nations, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos announced Monday that he would be shifting the mega-corporation’s focus from consumerism to philanthropy. “We recognized that our practices were changing—and often destroying—local businesses and global economies, and it’s time to mend fences,” Bezos said in a Seattle press conference held at the company’s first warehouse, the garage of an early home he owned in that city.
“As the year 2020 approaches,” Bezos said, “we have done our own 20/20 re-visioning, and it’s looking helpy.” He outlined several moves that the company would be making in the coming year, including using its patented drone and AI technologies to deliver—not books and home goods to impatient U.S. city dwellers, but medicine, nutrients, and water to people in remote corners across the globe. “It’s an ambitious move,” he continued, “but given last year’s profits measuring in the billions, we realized that there are only so many jets, designer clothes, and expensive haircuts any CEO group could use in a lifetime—and most of us are bald anyway—so why not share some of our extraordinary wealth to ease needless suffering?”
Original investors are reeling in the wake of the announcement, but the news comes as a boon to those who initially resisted buying in because of concerns about the inevitable losses of jobs and tax revenues in local communities as a result of the online juggernaut. “Now we can give all our money to Amazon with a clear conscience,” said an anonymous new investor, “because they’re going to do good things with it.”
Some insiders question the decision’s motives, saying that it doesn’t seem in character for the richest man in the world. “Come on,” says one early investor. “It was a tell when Jeff originally wanted to name his company ‘Relentless.com.’ Do you really think he’s backed off his intention to control the world’s economy? This is just another move in the monopoly game.”
It remains to be seen what will come of this shocking April 1 announcement, but the world is waiting with bated breath, and just a little bit of dry mouth.
****
Happy April Fool’s Day, ShelfTalker readers!