It is time. Time, I mean, to announce the Seventh Annual DDG Stocking Stuffer of the Year Awards! The superb quality of the contenders demanded a worthy judge, one who could assess the degree of fun with a deep understanding of stocking stuffer qualities. Fortunately, a past winner of The Stocking Stuffer of the Year Award, The Whirl-O, agreed to do this year’s judging.
Kenny: As noted earlier, you returned to retail life after disappearing five years ago. It is so great to have you in the store again.
Whirl-O: Thanks, Kenny. It’s wonderful to be back. I really appreciate the delicate challenge you’ve given me of assessing the merits of my new shelf mates. Justice is not dispensed by those who stand still. Let us get things spinning, shall we?
Kenny: Oh, absolutely.
Whirl-O: Well this year we had four categories, Most Shockingly Good Value, Best Game, Best Science Toy, and Overall Champion. The Most Shockingly Good Value came down to three exceptional contenders, The Balloon Car Racer, The Whatzit Car, and the SnapFly. The Balloon Car Racer offers a balloon propelled vehicle, two balloons, and stickers for the car. She sets a high standard for fun, value and comportment. A modest, decent toy with no undue notions of grandeur. The Whatzit Car is the perfect embodiment of a toddler toy; it is a simple construction, a toy, a puzzle, and at all times a car. An outstanding fellow. And yet the winner must be the SnapFly. It is $1.99, it flies wonderfully well, and you get 10 of them. Also, it predicts the future if you ask nicely.
Kenny: Oh, I love the Whatzit car! Sigh. Still the amount of fun delivered by the Snapfly for $1.99 is uncontestable, I agree.
Whirl-O: The Best Game was a toughie. Attila is an outstanding strategy game with a variable board and excellent gameplay. Cauldron Quest is as good a co-operative game as you’ll ever find. Even an ex-champion like myself had no qualms about joining in to defeat the Dark Wizard as a team. But Bellz: the magnets, the jingle, the physics, the strategy. The game laurels go to Bellz.
Kenny: I can’t disagree with your reasoning.
Whirl-O: Now, tthe Best Science toy was a two-kit race. On the one hand, we have the GoldieBlox sets, and on the other hand, the salt-powered robot. The salt-powered robot meets every standard of excellence; it is fun, multidimensional, needs no batteries, it’s highly educational, and willing to travel to other planets to perform experiments. A great science kit. But GoldieBlox, with its emphasis on encouraging engineering for girls, its challenging, well-designed project kits, and its engaging storylines, have it all going too. Tough, but there must be a winner and its name is GoldieBlox.
Kenny: Well reasoned again, my friend. I’m impressed. And what about the best overall toy, the stocking stuffer of the year?
Whirl-O: My choice for best overall toy is… The Whirl-O!
Kenny: You can’t choose yourself. You’re the judge! That’s outrageous.
Whirl-O: Justice has been called many names.
Kenny: Justice?! How can it be just for a judge to select himself for an award? An award he has already won in the past?
Whirl-O: My job was to select the best toy in the store. I am the best toy in the store. Your pedestrian sense of morality is not becoming. I have moved way past the sullied, turbid, ethical morass in which you are still enmeshed. I whirl. I Spin. I know.
Kenny: I’m speechless.
Whirl-O: “Congratulations” would be the mot juste.
Kenny: Hmm, just to be clear, I acknowledge that you are a sensational toy, but I am going to say that you are a lousy judge.
Whirl-O: Ah, but you agreed with all my other choices. Long may I reign.
Kenny: I give up. Happy Stocking Stuffing, everyone!