I’ve been selling books for 13 years. And in those years I’ve helped hundreds, maybe thousands, of people find the books they’re looking for. Sometimes they know what they want, but more often than not they just know they heard about it on NPR and really have no idea what the title is. But they think they do. They cling to their ideas, often repeating the same phrase over and over again, hoping that on the tenth hearing of it, suddenly, I’ll understand what they’re talking about.
A loose collection of words is always not enough information for the bookseller to guess what book you’re talking about. I once had a woman say, in all seriousness, "It’s about sisters, two-word title and the first word is," wait for it, yes, "The." She actually said, "The," like she had bestowed the Holy Grail on me. I looked at her and said, "Seriously? ‘The’?" After extracting more information from her we realized she wanted Jodi Piccoult’s My Sister’s Keeper. Three word title, no "The." Happens all the time.
For kids’ books we get a lot of enactments. When grown men start hopping around because they can’t remember Peter Rabbit, I pretty much love my job. Goodnight Moon brings lots of great examples, "You know the one everyone has." "The one with the room." I love how everyone mispronounces Roald Dahl and calls him Ronald. They say, "You know that giant orange book by Ronald Dahl." Series books prove to be a challenge to everyone because they can so often get confused with other series books. Just today, in fact, with the release of the final Percy Jackson book by Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian, I got permutations of Percy’s Olympics, "You know, the one all the kids want" and finally one poor, struggling parent asked for "Artemis Olympics."
Bless our customers for trying so hard and for their goodnatured patience as we try to find the right book for them. My favorite all-time mangled title was "Jesus’s Feet." The customer kept repeating it with more urgency every time, "Jesus’s Feet. It’s Jesus’s Feet. It’s a bestseller, you know, Jesus’s Feet. " Well, I looked for that and then it occurred to me that she wanted Walking the Bible. Once we hit on that, the customer and I had a great laugh.
So, bring me your mangled, your botched, your half-heard titles while taking the kids to soccer and I’ll do my best to decipher your code and together we’ll eventually get you Girl with a Pearl Earring, not "Dutch girl turned to the side."
Periodically, I’ll post some of the doozies I hear, but please share with me some of the great mangled titles you’ve heard.
“It had a blue cover and was in your window last year.”
A high school student at our library once asked me for “Morton D. Arthur.” After a wild moment when I asked myself if Chester A. Arthur had a secret twin, I realized that she was looking for Thomas Malory. (Le Morte d’Arthur.)
We’ve had our share of good ones too. My favorites: Bless Me Ultimatum and the Courage of the Red Badger And, we’re thinking of devoting an entire section to books with blue covers…
I can attest to that blue cover thing – I did actually help a friend back in high school in the 60s find In Wildness is the Preservation of the World based on just that.
“It’s new, i think it has a green cover and it’s written by a man.” Too funny and SO many memories are now flooding me from my days of retail bookselling.
Years ago, I had a woman ask for a book about electricity and it’s by someone kinda famous. She wanted Arthur Hailey’s Overload.
lol!!! 🙂 e
Favorites: Lemon Snickers (Lemony Snicket) Kuala Lumpur (Jhumpa Lahiri)
These are too funny! Morton D. Arthur!! We play a game at my blog where we give clues like these and readers have to try to figure out which book we’re talking about. Sort of a way to feel like a bookseller. I can totally see how stressful it would be to help people find these mysterious books.
The Dying Enema, by Philip Roth. The jokes just write themselves …
I had a customer ask me for “books that open.” She went on to clarify, “You know, you open them and there are words and pictures.” She was looking for pop-up books. My favorite mangled title has to be when a customer asked for Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sound of the Bassett Hound.
These stories are absolutely priceless!
We had “Onion in the Closet” in lieu of “Indian in the Cupboard.” Also, a request for “a children’s book about European trains” turned out to be Thomas the Tank Engine!
“The astonishing journey of Candelar” turned out to be “The amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay”. I also managed to figure out that “This book about a guy who’s going to get married and gets thrown in prison” was “The Count of Monte Cristo”. The most annoying, though, is when they are SURE they saw it in paper back at… (fill in the blank: Costco, Walmart,etc), when the book’s not yet out in paperback.
My favorite is someone asking for the picture book, NEUROSIS FOR HARRY
I once worked in a bookstore in downtown San Diego. We got a lot of foreign tourists, and our requests varied greatly. The best was when one French man tried with very little English to ask for the book about ‘Big fish.’ Jaws.
Kat, you need to use single quote marks. For some reason, the blog tool cuts off the text after regular quotes. Just had another funny request: Science fiction writer, used to be popular, died recently. Her new memoir is ‘a single word, not a compound word.’ I loved the specificity with the vagueness! (To be fair, the customer did come up with the author: Octavia Butler.) And may I add an unrelated complaint? In between writing the last few sentences and now, a customer asked for the books by Dr. Zeuss. Zeuss, as in, you know, the Greek god. Not Seuss, the world-famous author. Something about that makes me absolutely bonkers. Is it the inattention to detail that bugs me? Do I feel that, once again, children’s books are only barely noticed by some adults? Is it that people have had seventy years to get it right? Aargh! Ah, I feel better. Thank you for the opportunity to vent to you, presumably like-minded readers.
Well, Seuss is a God in the children’s book world…
The one I checked out last year. Don’t you remember?
A book with photographs of real dinosaurs
As a former high school librarian, I was once asked for ‘that book by that dead poet guy who won the Tulip Surprise.’ And the answer, in the form of a question, Jeopardy style ‘Do you have Abraham Lincoln: The Prairie Years by Carl Sandburg, which won the Pulitzer Prize?’
My favorite — ‘One St. Todie’ turned out to be ‘1st to Die’ by Patterson. 2nd favorite — ‘That book by the American guy who wrote about Europe’ — we deciphered it was ‘Prague’ by Phillips
I also love, ‘It was in your window last summer, don’t you remember?’ Which is akin to, ‘Is my book in?’ from someone at the grocery store, and when you ask for the title (because you got in 25 special orders that day), they say impatiently, ‘I don’t remember. Don’t you know it?’ But they do mean well. I’m sure I do equally bone-headed things in other venues, well-intentioned but absurd.
Someone once asked me for ‘Shalom, Shalom’- she actually wanted ‘Absalom, Absalom!’ And of course I’ve had the blue book question: ‘you know, the one with the plane on the cover?’
Back when Bridges of Madison County was flying off shelves we used to get all kinds of mangled variations of the title. One that stands out in my mind was ‘Bridge over Sumatra.’ I walked over to the stack and handed her Madison County and she said ‘THAT’S IT!’
I worked at a university bookstore 20 years ago. The best was, ‘I’m looking for a book, it’s a red cover, hardback, for a sociology class.’ I spent 15 minutes hunting through all the sociology shelves with them, only to find out that it was from a class 2 years prior, with a guest lecturer who was no longer there, and there was NO WAY any of his required reading was being carried in the store currently. They just shrugged, said ‘Cool,’ and walked out. No acknowledgement of the time I had taken, or thanks. That’s when you want to throttle a customer!
I really enjoy it when patrons come up with clues based on what they’ve heard of a book. It’s like unraveling a mystery! Color of jacket is not helpful, of course, but not too long ago I helped a woman who came up with several really good keywords and we tracked down the book she was looking for. (It was even on the shelf!) When the patrons are understanding and encouraging — and then pleased as punch when we can solve it — that’s one of my favorite parts of the day.
One of my co-workers was helping a woman who wanted a book for her grandson. ‘He wants a book about a boy and his dog. I think it’s called Boy and his dog or boy and his wolf, maybe boy wolf.’ Until my co-worker said, ‘Beowulf?’ ‘Yes!’ said the woman. ‘That’s it, Beowulf.’ My favorite/saddest moment was when a woman came up to me and said, ‘I need a book, but I don’t know what it is called or who it is by.’ ‘Well, what is it about?’ ‘I don’t know,’ said the woman. ‘I just saw it on Oprah.’
“The Beast Book, the one where they kill all the animals.” AKA Aliki’s Medieval Feast
1 – Do you have a sign language dictionary in audio? 2 – Who wrote Dante’s Inferno? After a certain popular movie featuring Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCapprio and a sinking ship a 12 year old girl asked me for: 3 – Satanic Crossing To be fair I also had a customer looking for a book by Peter Benchley’s father and I kept directing her to the horror section… I see your blue cover and top it with: 4 – I’m looking for a book with white pages and black print.
Oh, where to begin… In my 33 years of bookselling, I think my favorite was an NYU student who wanted ‘Shakespeare’ by Hamlet. When I gently suggested it was the other way around, she retorted: What is this, a test? Then there was the woman standing at the Classic Literature section, looking disappointed. I asked if I could help her. ‘No, you don’t have what I want.’ What was she looking for? ‘Danielle Steel books.’ But, I ventured, her books are romances. ‘Oh yes, but they’re classics!’
Somebody once asked my wife/colleague for The Gutenberg Bible by Stephen King; never did figure out what they were really looking for.
How about the one where this guy in Paris dies for the other guy and then the couple leaves in a carriage . . . Tale of Two Cities.
This is not as prominent a book, but still funny: My mom wanted to know if I had read a Francine Rivers book titled, “And the Shofar Blew”. Instead of pronouncing it properly she asked, “Michael have you read that new book called ‘The Chauffeur Blows?'”
Orange Mike–The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver maybe? 😉
A bookseller friend was once asked for a book which was ‘about a boy and the things that happened to him’. And I was once asked by a World Famous Actress who was desperately trying not to be noticed (not) where our ‘silly books’ were. She meant humorous gift books but it took a while to figure it out.
Oh, these are wonderful! Makes me feel so much better that I’m NOT the only one who gets into a bookstore thinking I know what I’m looking for…only to have my brain turn to warm oatmeal. JB
I have to say, jacket color actually does help people find books much of the time. And wow, is it more effective to say to a customer (if I’m busy and can’t get to the bookcase myself), ‘purple spine on the third shelf down’ instead of ‘third shelf, alphabetically by author.’ It seems that only booksellers, librarians, teachers, and English majors are patient enough to scan the alphabet. Or maybe it’s a middle-aged vision thing, those small author names on spines being harder to read than color…. What are those studies about how we sort information? Size, then color, then letters?
One of my favorites was a phone call from a college student who said she needed ‘a copy of ‘Wuthering Heights’ by Jane Eyre. Would you like me to spell that for you?’ I had to put her on hold for a minute. I guess universities aren’t what they used to be.
I had a young girl insisting she wanted to read the book about the big hurricane in Georgia. The book everyone has read. Even her mother. Turns out it was Gone with the Wind. Go figure.
“..It’s a series, and it starts with 1 and then 2, and so on.. and it’s so so funny and the author name ends with “..sky”…” Turns out she was looking for Janet Evanovich!
I once had a customer ask me for a book that had been displayed in the window a while back. When I asked for a title, author, subject, anything, he said–The book was square. Oh, yes, that book! On the flip side, during the height of summer reading, I had a very harried looking woman ask me if I’d ever heard of a book called Treasure Island. Easiest sale of the day.
The patron wanted a book called The Red Boat. You know. It is a classic. Turns out it was the Rubaiyat by Omar Kyayyam.
Just this weekend I had a woman come and ask, “I saw this book in the staff picks, next to Enright’s The Gathering.” Hmm, I’m thinking what it could be when she adds,”Oh, it was last year. and it was in my local store in Colorado.” Well, let me get right on that. She left inexplicably disappointed.
There is a particular species of customer who simply won’t tell you the title and/or the author. One must extract it with Sophoclean questioning. Following is the dialog I had with the best specimen of this type I’ve come across, who happened to be a middle-aged woman: Me: May I help you find something? Her: Well, I’m looking for a history book? Do you know the title? It’s American history. Do you happen to know the author? Do you have Civil War books? Why, yes. What title are you looking for? It would be in the section with the Southern civil war books. Well, we don’t really divide them like that. Is it a particular book you’re looking for? It would be with the Georgia history books. Ah. I’m afraid we don’t have a Georgia section. We do have a military history section with Civil War books. What book exactly do you want? Where’s the section on Atlanta history. Atlanta? Yes, it’s a history book about the Civil War in Atlanta. Hmmm. Do you happen to know the title? Yes. I do. Ah. What is it? Gone With the Wind.
Sorry about the above post. I forgot that the formatting would be lost. Hope it’s decipherable
i’ve had my fare share of hilarious book buying customers but i think my favorite is when they come up to my desk, which is right under a huge lit up sign displaying the words ‘customer service’, and they ask me “is this coustomer service?”. this happened a few weeks ago and on this occasion instead of answering i simply pointed up, referring to the sign, only to hav the customer say “oh the second floor?” my faith in the intelligence of humanity was trully tested that day.
I had a terrible moment with a customer with a very thick French accent. I couldn’t understand the title. She kept repeating it and finally I thought I had got it. “Ah, “What a Whore!”” I said in my loudest she-is-from-France-so-maybe-she-is-deaf voice. Embarasingly the title was actually “Waterhole” by Graeme Base, but unfortunately the whole crowded bookshop had heard my ridiculous mistake.
My favorite one was when someone asked for, ‘Harry Potter and the Bleeding King.’ It was Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Sometimes, mistaken titles seem to take on a life of their own and spread like a disease. I’ve had an amazingly large number of people ask for ‘Crystal Palace’ about that tv woman. Turns out they all wanted ‘The Glass Castle’ by Walls.
We had a good one today. A 7 or 8 year old boy wanted a “fortune” book with envelopes, where you take out the letter. Luckily, another 7 year old happened along who knew instantly that he was talking about Wizardology.
A lady, well on in years, comes in to my store and wants a book. It was, yes, blue. It had a bunny on the cover. She had it when she was a little girl. She’s sure I can find it for her. In time for Christmas. Did I mention this happened on December? I’m sorry, but I completely hate Christmas. Picture it: Dec.23 or 24, a desperate-for-material journalist grabs a long out-of-print from his back shelf, touts it that day as the greatest book ever, his listener comes in to my store that day and tells me I’m a bad bookseller because I don’t have it. Feh.
I’ve been laughing aloud reading all of the above posts. So true. Recently I had a request from an older woman who wanted a picture book for her grandson. ‘You know, it’s the children’s version of that book about the seeds.’ Ha. Turns out she wanted Listen to the Wind by Greg Mortenson. (Seeds??) Of course, I’ve also had high school students ask for ‘Tea for Two.’
I had a young lady ask me for the “Old Farmer Omnimax” today. If such a thing doesn’t already exist, it should.
While working in the Harvard Coop in Cambridge, Mass., a man asked for a book on shock attacks. I had no idea what he was talking about but thought I’d give it a try, and proceeded to search “shock attacks” in BookMaster. Disgusted, he angrily said “shock, shock, it swims in the ocean” while moving his hand like a fish. I think he thought I was making fun of him, when of course I was just new to the Boston accent!
I have to add a comment from a customer that came during an extremely busy Saturday morning. “What’s that book with illustrations?” Seriously, that’s she gave me. And I found it! It was The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Even I was impressed with that one.
Not a stumper, but a little boy asked for the Tale of Des-per-x, just cute how he said it. And why can no one remember the blue books! My latest was, blue, title wishing well. I went on to say, the one with swirly smoke on the cover? Yes, Well Witched by Harding.
Just had someone do the classic, if I repeat the information, over and over again, maybe you’ll get it. “It’s by a guy named William. He’s name is William. He might go by Bill. Oh, he has the same last name as an actor. But his name is William.”
Okay, here’s one for the ages. A customer is here and asking for a book called the Food Diet. I go to the health section, no, I’m told it’s not a health book. Finally, after many minutes of struggle she hits on the title: The Hunger Games. Wow
The other day, I had a lovely one where a girl comes up to me and asks for a science fiction book called ‘Gamer’s End’. … Close, but noooot quite.
The most common customer gaffs at the bookstore where I work usually involve the pronounciation of last names, mostly dead philosopers and poets. des-kar-tees (Descartes), nit-ski (Nietzsche), so-krates (Socrates), virgil (Virgil-I believe is pronounced ver-heel), cant (Kant), fow-cowlt (Foucault). My favorite of all time was when a customer asked to see our “adventure book section”. I asked, “Do you mean, travel? Mysteries and thrillers?” Turns out he was looking for INTO THIN AIR.
Here’s a new one. This woman insisted that the title of the book of this new, award-winning book adult book was Frog Court. Well I couldn’t find anything. She was insistent that I was making a mistake only to find the book on her way out: Wolf Hall. Wow.
I learned very quickly the book I swore was on the new table last week that was blue and I now need for a customer is…not blue. Try orange. Oops. Sometimes employees can be as wrong as the customer! But of course there are also the triumphs when you look brilliant and it’s just kismet – like the customer who was on her 3rd bookstore trying to find the book that is about the British woman who went to Asia. Well, I had just watched Anna & the King and had been looking at The English Governess At The Siamese Court over my break the day before….
I had a customer say she was looking for a “catharsis.” My internal monologue was, “Aren’t we all?” but I led her to Reference and handed her what she wanted: a thesaurus.
My favorite, all-time wrong title is “Admiral Underwear”. I had a really good laugh about that one. I kept thinking, ‘when did he get promoted?’.
I once had a customer insist to me that jk rowling had published books prior to the harry potter series and when I gently informed her she was mistaken, she got really upset and stomped off (and she didn’t mean the harry potter companion books)
In a conversation with my grandfather and great-aunt several years ago, they were talking about a book that was making waves in the literary world, and trying to remember its title. “Purple Passion!” cried my grandfather triumphantly. “No, no, Color Me Purple,” corrected my great-aunt. Needless to say, it was Alice Walker’s The Color Purple. My cousins and sister and I always invoke this whenever we can’t think of something. “Purple passion!”
I work in a library and I get these kinds of questions all the time. My branch happens to be located in a downtown urban area so we get a lot of requests for urban fiction (sometimes our patrons refer to them as “black books”). But anyway, the one that cracked me up the other day was when a patron came in and asked for “Cool Daddy” by “Donny Groin.” She meant “Daddy Cool” by Donald Goines.
Just can’t resist commenting again (this thread’s been going on for months, but I love it). Had a customer the other day who insisted that J.K. Rowling wrote another series about a circus. It took a long time, but we finally figured out the boy was looking for Cirque du Freak, because one of the books had a blurb by Rowling on the cover!
paul in davis: i immediately thought of *bill and ted’s excellent adventure* and “so-krates.”
This gem just came in: Women Camping and talking about being women. It was the Red Tent.
Yesterday I had a customer come in and ask for a very specific book. He strode up to the counter and said, “I’m looking for the green book with Alice in the title about dance. You had it on display about six months ago. Over there.” He pointed to a section is now holiday, but I can only assume was picture book favorites. He honestly seemed irritated that I couldn’t remember. I looked on the computer and there was no book about Alice and dance. Oh, the joys of customers with long memories.