Meet the Council of Wishing Animals. They are the reason I am confident that the 2022 Stocking Stuffer of the Year Award will scrape off the patina of shame which has confounded this prestigious award for the last seven years, transforming it from a long standing bastion of spotless integrity to an exercise in iniquity. The awful truth is that each of our judges since 2015 defiled their sacred responsibility by selecting themselves as the award winners!
With the selection of these three members of the Council of Wishing Animals, as our judges the Panda, the Beluga, and the Chipmunk, a return to honor is assured. The Wishing Animals each represent a different clan of five as you can see below. The governance of the clans is renowned for its ethical and spiritual vigor. Just to make sure, let’s touch base with them before beginning the contest.
Kenny: Oh, Council of Wishing Animals, purveyors of virtue, do I have your solemn vow not to appoint yourselves the winners of this year’s Stocking Stuffer of the Year Award?
Council of Wishing Animals: You have our solemn word, oh Kenny.
Kenny: Great. So let’s start with our sub categories before we get to the overall winner. Our first category is The Most Shockingly Great Value and our finalists are the effervescent Unicorn Slingshot, the dramatic Dino Slingshot, the elevated Build a Bird, the astonishing Glow Galaxy, and the auspicious Wooden Ink Stamp Set.
Council of Wishing Animals: I, the Panda, speak for the council. Though all are worthy and it pains us deeply to elevate one over another, we have selected The Glow Galaxy as being the most elevated among a group of flying toys.
Kenny: Great! Now onto our next category which is The Most Whimsical Stocking Stuffer. Our finalists are the limber Puzzle Boy, the melodious Mini Harmonica, the unpredictable Bouncy Eggs, the Jiggly Wiggly Rainbow Caterpillar, the delightful Corn Pen.
Council of Wishing Animals: I, the Beluga, speak for the council. Though all are worthy and we find it excruciating to elevate one over another, we have selected the Corn Pen because it can be shucked.
Kenny: Outstanding! Our next category is The Most Adorable Plushie. The finalists are the mighty Squid, the charming River Otter, the celestial Lunar Lion, the hug-worthy Shetland Cow, and the frolicsome mint Triceratops.
Council of Wishing Animals: I, the Chipmunk, speak for the council. Though all are worthy and we find it ethically debilitating to elevate one over another, we have selected the mighty Squid for it is challenging for a Squid to be both mighty and adorable.
Kenny: Wonderful. And now we come to the heart of the contest. The Stocking Stuffer of the Year Award itself. Our finalists are the Mythical Dragon Hand Puppet, the many-faceted Bug Eye Kaleidoscope, the astonishing Dinosaur 3-D Playing Cards, the boisterous Bee Racer, and the friendly Crocodile Pen.
Council of Wishing Animals: (speaking in unison). The karmic imbalance of this selection is too severe to encumber another person with. We therefore take the burden upon ourselves and name the Wishing Animals the winner of The Stocking Stuffer of the Year Award.
Kenny: I implore you to reconsider. Take not this shame upon yourselves. Spare both the Council and the contest. You swore not to appoint yourselves the winner!
Council of Wishing Animals: We did not appoint ourselves. We but give voice to that which must be, that which is dictated by destiny.
Kenny: Sigh!