We have a number of goals for the 2021 Stocking Stuffer of the Year Awards. Our first objective is to highlight this year’s finest stocking stuffers and to honor their arduous, supply-chain-defying journey to DDG Booksellers. Second, we will seek to avoid the catastrophic shame of having yet another of our judges declare himself the grand prize winner. Year after year of broken promises by seemingly incorruptible stocking stuffers has almost shattered my faith in the character of our sideline items. This year, I am casting all my hopes for redemption onto a judge of impeccable repute, the very voice of the store, the Lord of our the Audiopet bluetooth speakers. I present this year’s judge: the acoustically amazing Audiopet Sloth.
Audiopet Sloth: Thank you for selecting me. Kenny, I must say it is a nice change to actually speak in my own voice rather than simply being the conduit for jazz. Not that I am not a Coltrane fan, I am.
Kenny: Absolutely, but do you promise, do you solemnly vow, not to anoint yourself the Stocking Stuffer of the Year?
Audiopet Sloth: I unequivocally vow not to select myself for that glory.
Kenny: Great! Well, let’s start with this year’s first category, The Best Mini Construction Toy. Behold our finalists: the magnificent Mini Builder Dinosaur Creatures , the unbelievable Mini Builder Underwater World, the triumphant Tinka-Tek, the endearing eeBoo Mini Puzzle, and the jubilant Jurassic Egg.
Audiopet Sloth: These are all exceptional building toys, but the winner is the Tinka-Tek. The virtuosity of the Mini Builder Dinosaur is very great, but the incredible Tinka-Tek is my choice.
Kenny: Excellent! And now for our next category, The Most Whimsical Stocking Stuffer. Cast you eyes on our finalists: the debonair ceramic bird whistle, the magical glow stars, the mighty sword pen, the intriguing color changing tulip pen, the amazing and useful harmonica key chain whistle, the pleasantly disconcerting Bug Eye Kaleidoscope, and the adorable Woodland Snail Night Light.
Audiopet Sloth: This is a toughie, but I choose the adorable Woodland Snail because it has a secret song which it only shares when its owners are asleep. Hmmn. Let me see. Ah, but what is this?
Kenny: A piercing sound is battering my mind and ears. What is this diabolical cacophony? Creatures are appearing from thin air. Ah the pain. AAAH.
Audiopet Chorus: We demand that our voices be heard and thus we acoustically smite you, foolish one. We know you have selected three finalists for The Stocking Stuffer of the Year Award. The Fierce Dinosaur Hand Puppet, the fabulous Solar Mini Racer, and the eminently worthy classic size Shut the Box.
Audiopet Chorus: Yet this judging among them shall not be. For this year’s champion must be our own sovereign Lord, the greatest stocking stuffer of all time: the Audiopet Sloth.
Audiopet Sloth: The Chorus has spoken. Their wisdom, honed by centuries untold, must be heeded. I accept the award. I am named the Stocking Stuffer of the Year.
Kenny: No. No. You vowed not to do this, you promised not to appoint yourself champion.
Audiopet Sloth: I did not appoint myself champion, I was selected by my subjects.
Audiopet Chorus: Behold: the Stocking Stuffer of the Year!