Category Archives: Worst Book Ever

The Worst Book Ever Is ‘What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? … I Need Them for the Fruit Salad!’

Gabe Habash -- September 6th, 2012

Oh, dear friends, it’s been a while since we last entered these hallowed halls of plunging mediocrity. So long that there is dust on How To Avoid Huge Ships. Cobwebs on Dildo Cay. Mold on Microwave for One. Some other sign of disuse on Moon People. But back into the Worst Book Ever Castle we must go, because there is a new book to add to the gallery. We must do our duty and place it where it belongs, for the circle must be closed.

What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? … I Need Them for the Fruit Salad! isn’t just notable because it has both an exclamation point and a question mark in it–what you’ll discover upon digging deeper within it is a tale of vast sadness and infinite strangeness.

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The Worst Book Ever is ‘Moon People’

Gabe Habash -- January 31st, 2012

Moon People has reshaped my literary perceptions.”Goodreads reviewer Neil

What I’m going to do before telling you about the epic stinker Moon People by Dale M. Courtney is issue a blanket sic statement for the duration of this article. I think that’s important to say before we move forward. Anyway, this is how chapter one of Moon People by Dale M. Courtney opens (source):

This story begins on a Beautiful sunny day in Daytona Beach Florida With a man by the name of David Braymer. A 45-year-old Single man that works at the local High school as a science teacher and astrology in the 12-grade level. Now he’s been here about 5 years and has become kind of partial to a young lady by the name of Cheral Baskel a local restaurant owner in Daytona Beach. At the moment Cheral’s preparing her restaurant for another Shuttle launch at the cape and everyone always gathers at her place because you can see the launch real good at her place. It’s also on the water and its real close to the cape and she really decks the place out.

You probably have questions. That’s understandable. The wonder of Moon People is so great, its folly so staggering, that it jams a reader’s ordinary thought process onto a weird separate track that the brain was never meant to use (also sometimes called an “aneurysm”). It’s only through a careful construction of its pieces that we begin to understand the magnitude of what Courtney has created.

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The Worst Book Ever is ‘Microwave for One’

Gabe Habash -- November 29th, 2011

Before you get all riled up about how we’ve previously called two other books (How to Avoid Huge Ships and Dildo Cay) the Worst Book Ever, you should know that sometimes PWxyz makes mistakes. Please forgive us our mis-pronouncement and come, walk with us down the hallowed halls of literary infamy, for we have a whopper of a book to show you.

In 1987, The Book Services Ltd published a slim, 144-page cookbook called Microwave for One. The book is by Sonia Allison, who has quite a few publications under her belt. But she’s best known for her masterpiece of tragedy, a book whose title and cover is so rife with sadness that one almost has the urge to brush the invisible tears from Ms. Allison’s face as she leans over her microwave and her food spread.

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The Worst Book Ever is ‘Dildo Cay’

Gabe Habash -- September 15th, 2011

We know what you’re thinking: there are a lot of books out there, how could you possibly name one book the worst of all? And besides, we already picked The Worst Book Ever back in July, the masterpiece known as How to Avoid Huge Ships. But grant us a do-over on that declaration, because, boy, do we have a doozy for you today.

Dildo Cay is a book written by Nelson Hayes in 1940 and published by Houghton Mifflin and it’s also called Dildo Cay. Just wanted to stress that part. The cover of the book is pictured above, and its centerpiece, a far-off vertical shaft on the cay, does ridiculously little to dispel its unfortunate title.

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The Worst Book Ever is ‘How to Avoid Huge Ships’

Gabe Habash -- July 21st, 2011

A few weeks ago, we did an article about the most hilarious Amazon customer reviews, a selection of snarky writings that poked fun at their respective subjects. But for as fun as those reviews were and for as bad as those books were, one book in particular, more so than any that appeared on that list, has unleashed the full fury of internet sarcasm: How to Avoid Huge Ships.

Currently only available from nine sellers, the lowest price sitting at $131, details about this mysterious book are scant. What we do know is that it’s written by Captain John W. Trimmer, and that it’s 112 pages. And that’s about it. But it has a deep underground following, appearing in both a New York Times article and a Cracked article, partially because of its oddness, but also because of its slew of customer reviews, which set all kinds of new sarcasm records.

Here are some of the highlights:

A book for the ages, December 12, 2010

I was jogging around the block when all of a sudden I was almost struck by a huge ship! Thankfully I had read How to Avoid Huge Ships. I have lived to tell the tale and now I only hope future generations read this lifesaver.

Reads like a whodunnit!, December 21, 2010

Citizenfitz (The salt grainery) – See all my reviews
I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent books: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks, captain!

Wake Up, Haters!, December 13, 2010

I’m a little annoyed with the sarcastic “reviewers” of this book. You all seem to think it’s funny that some people would honestly like some expert advice on ways to avoid huge ships. What, you’ve never been traveling at a very, very slow speed straight toward something really, really big that you could see for miles and miles away, and wished you’d known what steps you could take to avoid crashing into it? Well, all I can say is “congratulations!” What’s it like to be so perfect? You haters just keep on enjoying your huge-ship-collision-free little fantasies. I for one am going to buy this book and learn something, because I live in the real world, where huge ships and the dangers they present to people like me are actually a serious issue.

Large beamed, please!, January 6, 2011

Altair Voyager (Registered, Bahamas) – See all my reviews
I am a huge ship. Imagine having an entire book devoted toward actively avoiding you and your kind. I have always been bigger than other ships – and yes, I have endured years of being moared in the distance, never being able to enter the shallower bays, requiring tugs to guide me in – but now THIS! Mr. Trimmer, you sir, should be ashamed! Please do not be swayed by his drivel. I ask that you judge me not by the size of my cargo hatch but rather the content of my wheelhouse.

A HUGE ship changed my life, December 13, 2010

Chester Huffy (North Stripper Pole, NV) – See all my reviews
It is a perfect example of the cruelty of fate- my life was forever changed by a huge ship. It was the winter of 1991, 2 years before Cap’n Trimmer published this masterpiece. If only I had known… the wanton destruction that only a huge ship can do to life and limb and all smaller vessels. My bonnie wife and I had set sail in our beloved scupper, ‘Nam Chowder (a pun from my years in the Navy). We were heaving to in the deep and treacherous waters off Cape Hatteras, when lo and behold a ship appeared, as sinister as Poseidon in denim cutoffs.

“O wife!” I called out. “A huge ship approaches!” But right at that moment, the huge ship sounded her horn, and my cries were drowned out in the overwhelming din. My fair wife continued to snack upon Exxtreme Olestra Pringos with reckless abandon- and so focused on these leakage-inducing sweetmeats that she failed to notice the huge ship, barreling towards us at a blinding 6 knots. I screamed like a hyena, bellowed like a bull, but so intense was her snack craving that my warnings were ignored. Finally I rushed towards the bow, to snatch the bushel of crisps from her unsightly maw and force her help in avoiding our certain shiply doom, but my extremities became tangled in the rigging and I could do nothing but struggle as the huge ship continued its advance, closing within a few hundred cubits.

“Lord, hail this ship and allow us safe passage, I beg of you!” I cried, but it was no use. God and his minions have no time for foolish adventurers upon his seas, who disregard the dangers of huge ships. And so it was, that a huge ship smashed our boat into splinters, and my wife was keelhauled for an eternity, her lifeless, bloated body finally floating to the surface in he wake of the huge ship, still clutching her snak pak. My body was torn assunder, and I sustained such horrific injuries that I shudder to recall that terrible day. Know that I peck out this review with my eyelashes, for the huge ship took everything from me save the use of my facial muscles.

Although he will not admit it, Cap’n Trimmer wrote this book in honor of my late wife, Grossinda, for her memory lives on in every book sold, so that the world may know of the dangers lurking in the bowels of every huge ship. Make no mistake, huge ships are out there and their hunger for fresh souls know no bounds. May everyone read this book and commit to memory its passages, and Grossinda’s demise will not be in vain.

It is my creed- to find the huge ship that took everything from me. Armed with this book and the grace of God, I will get my revenge. HUGE SHIP- I COME FOR YOU!

Much better than the sequel book, “How To Run Over Little Boats.”, December 13, 2010

After reading this book, I relized exactly what I was doing wrong everytime I was run over by bardges on the mighty Mississippi. I always played dead and hoped the boats would go away, like I was taught by a book I read, “How To Survive Bear Attacks.” I guess I thought the lessons taught by that book applied to everything life, but it clearly meant just bears. Now I am surviving the waterways better than a BP oil rig.

TOO Informative., December 25, 2010

Dan (Ontario Canada) – See all my reviews
Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.

Now I know what that steering wheel thingy is for, January 30, 2011

This book really is one of the best huge ship avoidance references I’ve come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.

For example:
- Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge ships.
- Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
- Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
- Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.

Captain Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships – move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you’re thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life.

A Parent’s Review, February 20, 2011

As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I’m sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing influence and presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don’t even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger then than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn’t help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest, open and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can’t always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I’m confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships.