When I have a lot of things to carry, I sometimes put them all in a plastic bag. I hate messenger bags, they hit against my keister every time I take a step and I’ve very reluctantly stopped wearing my backpack, which I’ve had for close to a decade, since I’ve finished school (I still have to convince myself I’m not a student, and so I’m trying not to look like one).

I don’t have any purses, let alone carry a clutch around. The closest thing I have to a purse is a lunchbox, which I sling over my shoulder on my way to work, and I have been made fun of for this. Keys, phone, and pen go in my pockets. So aside from the fact that I’m a male and males don’t wear purses (unless you’re David Beckham or Kanye West, in which case you could strap on cross braced garters like Malvolio and run down the street laughing and it wouldn’t matter), what do I need a purse for?

But if I did need a purse, and I didn’t find the idea of spending $325 on one horrifying, I’d probably want one of Kate Spade’s Book of the Month Clutches. I’m going to do five of them (there’s also Pride & Prejudice and Romeo & Juliet but those don’t make the cut). Here they are in ascending order of how likely I’d ever be caught holding one of them.

5. Emma

Love the simple design, especially the arrows curving around the back. But what’s with the lazy fletching illustration? If I’m going to pay $325 for this purse, I want some good fletching. That, combined with the peach creamy color knocks this purse to dead last on this really important hypothetical list.

Likelihood I’d Clutch This Clutch: 2.2 out of 10

4. The Importance of Being Earnest

I love Wilde’s play (I even wrote a super accomplished paper on it in college that was much talked about among Victorian scholars) and I like how one side is purple and the other side is red, but there are a lot of colors going on here, and, honestly, if I look at it for too long I start to get a stomach ache. I also don’t know if those are tear drops or quotation marks or speech bubbles. Frankly, I don’t care to look long enough to figure it out because my RGB sensors need to be fixed.

Likelihood I’d Clutch This Clutch: 2.4 out of 10

3. Great Expectations

This is a pretty good one. The black and pink look good together, especially with that curt quote in pink on the back. And though the fallen text on the back was done a lot better on Nabokov’s The Luzhin Defense, it still looks good. But I don’t like font. It reminds me of The Pink Panther, and even though I like that movie, I’m way too refined to be watching Peter Sellers movies. I’m clutching a Kate Spade clutch, haven’t you noticed that?

Likelihood I’d Clutch This Clutch: 2.9 out of 10

2. A Tale of Two Cities

What I like about this one is that awesome grid background. Bonus points for the compass in the back bottom right corner. Font is super-refined for the author name and the back quote, which gives it a leg up on The Pink Panther purse. Color scheme is nice and subtle, if I may be so bold. But I don’t want a big number on my hypothetical dream clutch. That whopping two reminds me of a two-dollar bill. Which makes me think of money. And if I’m thinking about money while looking at a purse, that means a potential robber is going to be thinking about money when looking at my purse, and I don’t want to be robbed. That’s pretty irresponsible on your part, Kate Spade.

Likelihood I’d Clutch This Clutch: 3.1 out of 10

1. The Great Gatsby

I’m not crazy about the pearls. Also the black and yellow reminds me of Charlie Brown. And what’s weird about this purse is that it’s didactic. Not only does it tell you Gatsby is “An American Masterpiece” on the front, but the back is a blurb. Presumably, if you’re holding this purse like I hypothetically am,  you already know that Gatsby is “a magical world filled with lawn parties and lavish affairs, champagne and caviar.” But I like how the black’s edges are tattered. That seems a little dangerous. And the primary yellow color is the strongest color out of all these purses. And, I’m going to change my mind. I like how the purse actually tells you how important it is. I would like onlookers to see the words “champagne” and “caviar” on my purse. They’ll probably be really interested in finding out who I am if they saw that.

Likelihood I’d Clutch This Clutch: 3.4 out of 10